How To Write About China

Based on the format of this satire: How To Write About Africa   by Binyavanga wainaina

GOOD PHOTO!!

Always use the word ‘China’ or ‘tainted’ or ‘economy’ in your title. Words like ‘dragon’, ‘emperor’ and ‘jade’ are good subtitles, even though they might not go with what you are trying to say. The represent the whole of China, that is all that matters.

CHINA DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THIS

Never have a picture of the lakes and mountains of China on the cover of your book, or in it. Your reader doesn’t care about all that, unless you’re talking about the overwhelming pollution in them. Chinese bank notes, factory workers, shipping containers: these are the pictures that you want. If you must include some pretty picture of China, go for one of the Great Wall of China.

In your text, treat the Chinese people as if they were all the same. Never mind the fact that China is the most populated country in the world; those 1.3 billion people are all alike so don’t worry about inaccurate descriptions. They are all Han people, all rude, spitting, squinty eyed and inferior. If you are ever caught in the situation where you can’t think of a name for your Chinese character, just go with the average Chinese name: Ching Chang Chong. Describe the country as a place filled with factories and everyone one of those factories is using child labor and produce fake, faulty products.

Typical Chinese Man

Make sure you show that all Chinese are kung-fu masters. Write about their strange food, meals of cats and dogs served with, of course, rice. Do not forget to mention their horrific mess of a language. An important subject to write about is the evil communist Chinese government and the country’s evil-doing leader Mao. Do so with caution, because writers who have done so have been abducted by the Chinese and put into jail, the same jail where they imprison every single Chinese man who has spoken up against the government.

Taboo subjects: mention of Chinese speaking fluent English, any sort of civilized action by a Chinese man, rich Chinese culture (readers do not care, they only care about the economy and controversy), referring to China as anything that’s not similar to ‘economic powerhouse’.

Always end your book with something that is roughly in the lines of “China is rising!” so that it leaves the reader feeling hopeful for China and enlightened with the new and accurate information that you have given them about the great country.

Example book cover